Losing Motivation

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I used to be the smartest kid in my class. I genuinely cared about doing well in school. I mean, I know it’s important still, but for some reason I can’t find the motivation to care. Maybe it’s because I’m switching schools next year and I’m finally going to have the individual attention I need as a student, but I’m not sure. I’m not doing awful in school right now. But, I have a D in math. However, I don’t know many people that are doing well in my math class. I’ve completely given up in that class to be honest. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I’m going to do poorly.

I know the “importance” of getting into college. My family has basically engraved it into my mind. I mean, I guess I want to go. I don’t hate the idea of going. It’s just, I don’t really need it for the career I want to pursue. I want to be a music supervisor for movies and stuff. I don’t need a degree, but it might help. 4 years and a ton of money for something that “might help” doesn’t sound like a good deal to me. It doesn’t matter, I have to go. Especially if I graduate from Ojai, because my family is spending a bunch of money for me to go, and it’d be a waste if I didn’t go to college. Plus, 100% of students that graduate from there go on to pursue a 4 year degree, and I don’t really want to be the one kid ever that didn’t go to college. I’ll easily get in, too.

I know I’m going to have to try next year. Even if I don’t, they’re going to force me to try. It’s like, I know where I’m going to be next year, and I know I’m going to a school where they want me to succeed (because my family is paying them $60,000), so I almost feel like nobody cares if I fail this semester. The school is already paid for, so they can’t change their minds. I feel like this semester means nothing. So I don’t care.

I kind of hate it though. I don’t like failing tests. I don’t like looking like I’m stupid, because I know I’m not. I’m just too lazy to do anything about it. My dad’s probably going to be mad when he sees my final report card, but I also feel like he knows it doesn’t matter, too. He doesn’t ask if I did my homework anymore, he doesn’t check Schoology, he doesn’t even ask about tests anymore. It’s kinda nice that he doesn’t care, but at the same time it really isn’t encouraging me to care. There is one person that is really going to care. My aunt Vivian. She’s the smartest person I’ve ever met, and she pushes me to do well academically. Hopefully I don’t have to show her my report card, because I’ll feel really ashamed.

All in all, writing this article has only made my motivation issue worse, because I realized how much it really doesn’t matter.

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