The phrase “beauty is the eye of the beholder” is misleading. Sure, everyone has different tastes and values, but there is a living exception to this common saying. A little Jewish gem that currently resides in my 8th grade classes.

Now, let me make it clear that I’m not interested in this hunk of a man romantically; I simply wish to state my admiration for the peerless attractiveness of both his physical and mental features. He is unparalleled and is likely to remain that way for as long as he lives. I would die a happy man if I were to gain an ounce of his intellect, charm, and perfection. If I were to be anyone but me, I would be him.

To refrain from any potential confusion, the previously mentioned man is going to be referred to as “Dirty Havi”. Now, I’ve seen the models and celebrities that are commonly lusted after, but none can even compare to the Dirty Havi. The most detailed description couldn’t do his glowing face justice. But, to enlighten the poor peasants who’ve never had the opportunity, I’ll do my best. He is both masculine and feminine, encompassing the best qualities of both genders. His supple apple-red lips, his slightly messy hair, and the subtle plumpness of his cheeks all combine to create a roguish individual who turns the heads of even the most critical. His glasses mask his true intentions, making any who stand under his gaize hot and bothered. Even the eyes of teachers seek to gain a second look during class. The girls all lick their lips when he passes by, and it’s not hard to see why. At first I was jealous of how perfect he seemed, but I eventually saw the error of my ways and gladly jumped on the Havi hype train.

Now, looks aren’t everything. Personality is half the battle, after all. And Hotty Havi does NOT disappoint. First off, the dirty little boy is charming and jarring. His quick wit fires off everyday in every class, turning the grills into giggly flirts who can’t hear anything except his silky voice. His confidence echoes throughout the room, letting everyone know that they’re in the presence of a true alpha. His dominance has been thoroughly established. Plus, the guy’s a full blown genius. His advanced vocabulary and unique way of speaking is simply majestic.

Havi is also in fantastic shape. His health can be attributed to his strict diet of pizza lunchables. If he’s feeling a little rebellious though, he might even mix it up a little and go for a ham-and-cheese. As a result, he has a rock hard six-pack that pops through his hoodie when the wind blows. He runs a solid eight-minute mile without breaking a sweat during the most horrid weather, and he never complains. Guy is like the second Usain Bolt, only hotter in every way. I have no doubt that his success in life is guaranteed.

Oh God, what am I doing with my life.