Group projects

Group projects are both despised and loved by many. The latter is usually significantly dumber than the former, but nonetheless the opinions on the matter are divided. It makes sense that the productive dislike having to split their own workload with the incompetent, but doesn’t mean that they don’t enjoy ALL group projects.

Group projects wildly vary in their quality, as the questionable commands of the teacher (fascist) more or less result in your teammates being decided by anything and anyone but you. Mainly seat arrangements and the roll of some dice. And that’s not in any way, shape, or form good if a quarter of the average honors class is either a self-proclaimed minimalist, half-brained, or a real donkey of a person. A sufficiently capable team with the right people can knock out an assignment with the vigor of a master procrastinator accompanied by a moderate amount of humor. It’s the dream that every good student drools over, second only to girls and a fairly enjoyable life. Alas, dreams are dreams. Perfection is rarely ever, ever achieved. Let alone in the depths of hell they call Hale Charter Academy.

Thus, we mere mortals must deal with the cards we were dealt, as ugly and disappointing and unsatisfying those pitiful cards may be. Hell, you might even get grouped together with a not-dumby-dumb person. God has his ways though, and alongside your new friend will be your worst opponent. The vast plague that you (if you’re a nice human) and all of the good of humanity has been battling since the dawn of time: lazy people.

These kind and humble words of mine aren’t unsupported, of course. On the contrary, I have had my fair share of frustration and annoyance throughout my useful years of schooling. Even a bit too much, in my opinion. In fact, I recently had a traumatizing experience involving a few of my classmates. The assignment was to make a poster containing information about waves (not that kind, moron) and adequately design it. The grade we got, or rather, earned, isn’t relevant. Journey over destination, after all. I ended up with three idiots, each uniquely weird and unproductive. That’s mean, I take that back. They were special. While poor me was stuck working like a slave, my “team” was burdened by the tasks of making Star Wars references, moaning, trying to watch anime, or making up inappropriate nicknames. I have no doubt that if I stated even just one of these “nicknames”, my counselor would whip me like a dog. As fun as that would be, I want this article published and so you ain’t hearing any nicknames. One teammate in particular stood out among my entourage of piggy-backers. His shame was nonexistent, to say the least. His moans were pumped full of pure ecstasy and pleasure. Had I done a quarter of what he did, I would’ve surely died of embarrassment. His delight came at the expense of his dignity and my peaceful work environment.

Despite my barrage of complaints, I do actually think group projects are useful, mostly. They teach the value of teamwork and are, for the most part, good examples of what is to come. I’ll still always hate them, though. Working is a bliss best enjoyed alone. Unless you have the dream team. But that’s impossible.