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Stock Images

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Welcome to my TED Talk everyone. Let’s talk about stock images. We all know them, we all love them, but don’t you wonder how they got to their current position in life?Just imagine this; you’re looking at a stock photo, hear a scratch on a record player, and someone says, “you see that guy/girl over there? that’s me. You might be wondering how I got myself into that situation. Well, I’ll tell you.” I think about that a lot. Probably too much. Today friends, I will be giving these stock image models a story, a background. Let’s begin.

#1, GIVE ME THE MONEY WILLIAM

You better give Felicia the money quick, William. Felicia is a business woman who means, well, business. She ain’t playing around. Felicia needs her money from William FAST honey. William, however, is an innocent fish. He doesn’t owe Felicia ANYTHING. William is good Christian fish, okay? He never took the kids, he never owed money to Felicia; he’s just living his best life. Felicia seems to think otherwise, though. Who’s side are you on?

#2, A Better Love Story That Twighlight

This..this is September (right). He’s really shady and probably in the Russian mafia. I think he knows where Tupac is hiding. Enough about September. Let’s talk about the other guy..Jogust (left). Jogust.. well.. we honestly know nothing about Jogust. All Jogust does is eat, breathe, and occasionally scream whilst launching itself into the sky. Yeah, I said it. Is Jogust a man? Woman? Furry? I don’t think we’ll ever know. Anyways, September and Jogust met at a Target in NYC. September was buying some watermelons, and, well, Jogust was the watermelon. It was love at first sight, and they’ve been married for way too long.

#3, Sharon The Scary Shady Snake

This is Sharon. She coaches the local girls volleyball team, and she’s crazy. She’s a lil aggressive sis. Sharon also really likes popsicles. I mean really likes popsicles. She’d probably marry one if she could. Sharon married a guy named Herman in like 1809, cause they’re just that old. They’re so old they use Facebook. Nevertheless, Sharon is one of the coolest chicks on the block. Don’t even @ her. Take on look into Sharon’s cold eyes, and tell me you don’t wanna be her friend. I know I do.

#4, Top Secret Government Work

Shhh. Don’t disturb them. This group of scientists are doing very top secret work on this chicken named Cow. Cow is in the middle of an identity crisis. Poor guy. Cow just needs someone who loves him, y’know? Cow has a younger sister names Pig, but don’t worry about her. She just got into Harvard, and everyone loves her..unlike Cow. We don’t even know if Cow has made it past grade preschool. I know realize that I relate way too much to Cow.

#5, Johnathan; The Man, The Myth, The Legend

Arrrg matey. This is Johnathan. Johnathan is 32, he lives alone, and has three cats. He’s what you would consider a loser, but in my book, Johnathan is a genius. He’s a very knowledgeable man. What does he do for a living you ask? Johnathan sells Pitbull albums on Ebay. What’s with the pirate costume you ask? Nothing. The man just likes his pirates.

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