Siwanism, and Why You Should Consider Joining Our Cult–I Mean Religion


You click on this article, staring at your screen perplexed. Your brows furrow in confusion and slight disappointment. You mutter quietly under your breath, “What the hell is Siwanism, and what is Alex doing with her life?” Well, friend, I can answer the first part of that question somewhat simply.

If you frequent Instagram and YouTube like the relevant teen you are, you’ve most definitely heard of the Goddess without a hairline and over 5,000 bows known as JoJo Siwa. Kween Siwa–the 5 foot 9 second grader who I suspect is also the second coming of Christ–has taken the internet by storm ever since she first appeared on Dance Moms, also known as the best TV show of our generation (next to VeggieTales, of course). She has multiple hit songs that idiots like me enjoy screaming along to, as well as a successful YouTube channel.

So here we are, 130 words in and you still don’t know what Siwanism is. Let me cut to the chase–because JoJo Siwa is clearly an omniscient superhuman from another planet, we should worship her in case of the likely scenario she takes over the world. This is, in the simplest and most communicative form, what Siwanism says, amongst other preachings (mainly about what an icon JoJo Jesus is).

The slight disappointment you previously had in me has turned into a dilemma of whether or not you should alert a pysch-ward. Put down your phone, friendo, as we’re not even half way through.

Now it’s the necessary time for you to ask yourself if you would like to survive the Siwapocalypse. I mean, this article is written for edgy teenagers so who am I to judge if you want to live or not? But what happens during the Siwapocalypse? Imagine if aliens invaded, but rather than slimy, green tentacle monsters, you had a gigantic second grader with a forehead big enough to land a plane on. She shoots lasers out of her eye and it lands on a poor, innocent bystander. What becomes of the bystander, you might ask? He turns into a bow. If you would rather not be a sparkly pink bow, I recommend beginning your worship of JoJo Jesus as quickly as possible.

NO NO NO DON’T LEAVE YET! With being able to survive the Siwapocalypse, you gain some unique powers. Listen bud, imagine being able to tie and create bows using only your mind. I know, sounds like some tomfoolery, huh? Well, if you show your love and appreciation for Our Lady of the Receding Hairline, this D.R.E.A.M. might become a reality.

After considering the amazing consequences of Siwanism, I think you have no other option than to fully become a Siwanator. It’s a true bargain, as you only have to pay $1,000 per month. It’s almost like Scientology, but better, ya vibe? JoJo Siwa would want it this way.

DISCLAIMER: This article is all in good fun. Please don’t go around worshipping JoJo Siwa or preaching about Siwanism. I mean, unless you want ME to call a pysch-ward but that’s your deal, pal.