How to be a Trendy Hipster

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DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical article that makes fun of those annoying idiots who think they’re better than everyone, thus being classified as trendy hipsters. I’m not saying dressing this certain way or liking certain music is bad, but rather using your opinions to rub in others faces and use it as a way to say you’re better then them is. Take it with a pinch of salt.

As a totally in-the-know and trendy hipster who is a vegan, listens to indie music, has a 97 inch beard, and does Crossfit on the regular, I realize there are far too many uncultured losers in society that are not nearly as enlightened as me, so I decided to provide some directions that you can use to effectively immerse yourself into the world of exclusivity.

STEP 1: Music Taste

To truly be a trendy hipster, you like thing before they were cool, and this includes your music taste. All those mainstream bands and artists don’t value true music and art.An obscure indie-band that is generally underrated and undiscovered is your best friend. Bands and artists like “Inthepool,” “BigMac DelTaco,” “The Caresses,” “CDskull,” “The International,” “1795” (who’s song ‘The French Revolution’ was a real riot), and, of course, the legendary Chilly Chimpanzees (yes, even though they totally sold-out on PM) are some perfect examples of the aforementioned indie-bands that only true trendy hipsters would understand. Also, if someone claims to be a hipster and the declares their favorite bands are HotWork or Conceive Large Reptiles That Breathe Fire, they are not a hipster.

STEP 2: Hobbies

You, a trendy-hipster, are not like the others. You are part of an exclusive sub-culture that partakes in such activities such as training Crossfit, being a vegan, watching only specific foreign films, and avoiding social media. Now, because you are-for whatever reason-so proud of being the hipster you are, you need to ensure everyone knows about your activities. When asked to tell an interesting fact about yourself, you reply with the fact that you’re a vegan or that you do Crossfit, etc. Make sure you do not leverage yourself up by using social media, as those who use social media are not living their true lives. Stupid social media being so mainstream. When will those brainwashed sheep learn?

STEP 3: Attire

Hipsters are very distinct and easy to spot in public due to their appearance (and constant boasting about how special they are). For men specifically, you need to acquire a long and bushy beard or mustache that you often twist or put glitter in. If you don’t already wear glasses, get some. Preferable the jet black RayBans with the logo on the side, but make sure their plastic with the lense popped out. You know the ones I’m talking about. As for clothing, make sure nothing you wear can be found at a mall. A hipster like you needs to look vintage and unusual. You need multiple scarves that you know how to tie more ways than necessary. Get five varsity jackets, even though you’ve never played sports in your life. Get a generic flannel that you button all the way up. Suspenders and overalls are your go-to. Basically, when you’re finished, it’ll look like every other subculture threw up your wardrobe. These trademark looks of a trendy hipster truly help communicate the extent of your individuality.

Now that you’re more cultured and distinguished than everyone else, you are ready to brag to others about how much better you are then them. Enjoy your new found (or additional) arrogant and obnoxious traits.

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