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How to be Emo to the Extreme-o

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When you’re as emo as I am, it seems imperative that you should educate others on your way of life. I’ve therefore decided to give you normies some step-by-step instructions on how to fully immerse yourself into the sub-culture. If you’re an aspiring emo, this is the article for you. Let’s begin.

STEP 1: Self Deprecating Humor

You’re emo, which means you’re edgy, depressed, and your parents will never understand you; your humor needs to reflect that. You need to say and do crap like pointing at a trashcan and saying, “Oh look, that’s my house. I didn’t know we moved here.” That’s a sure fire way to make the normies confused and flustered. They just don’t understand you. When you’re doing something like having a friendly Kahoot game with your imaginary friends (because real friends are overrated), the only acceptable username you can use is “I’m Going To Kashoot Myself.”  There is no such thing as being too edgy. Remember that.

STEP 2: Music Taste

One of the defining variables that make an emo an emo is their depressing, yet poetic taste in music. Your favorite bands include “Bingo! at the Casino,” “Twenty-Four Pirates,” “Drop Down Boys,” “Unsurpassed Low,” and of course the iconic “My Chemical Reaction.” You often quote lyrics from these bands at random, showing all the posers your superiority. Now, if you’re an old school emo, I’d suggest listening to bands such as “The Medicine,” “Johnny Eat Planet,” and “Croaker.” Sidenote, if you ever do miraculously ever get invited to a party, make sure you bring your acoustic guitar so you can play “Wonderwall” by Oasis and sit alone the whole time.

STEP 3: Family Life

Your family is irrelevant when you’re emo. They don’t get you. Your siblings are stupid and immature, whilst your parents are close-minded old people. When your mom barges into your room uninvited, make sure to scream at her to get out, as you’re talking to your Roblox girlfriend. When she questions your fashion sense (we’ll get to that in a minute), make sure you remind her it’s not a phase, and that this is the REAL you.

STEP 4: Dan and Phil

The only thing you take enjoyment out of is watching Dan and Phil. They aren’t just your idols, no. They are a member of your personality. You buy their merch- their shirts, their books, their bracelets, their hoodies, even their backpacks, if you can manage. You ship these men like there’s no tomorrow. Make sure to also mention in all your social media bios that you’re a part of the “phandom.” You show those stupid popular kids

STEP 5: Apparel

This is the most defining feature of an emo. Hot Topic is the only place you’re allowed to shop at if you want to be emo. Remember those bands I mentioned before? Make sure you have one t-shirt of at least each band. Black is the only color you wear, as it reflects the color of your soul. Black eyeliner, nail-polish, lipstick, eyeshadow, etc etc. Don’t take off that heavy, dark hoodie, even if it’s 100 degrees out. Your hair needs to either have highlights or be dyed (or died, in your case) an obnoxious color that screams you’re “not like the other girls.” You need to part it far to the side so one half of you face is always covered in a greasy tangle of thatch. The world isn’t ready to see your entire face, as they would scream in horror (see, that’s the kind of self deprecation you have to embody). If you have glasses, make sure you get the jet black Raybans with the logo beside both lenses. These glasses are also interchangeable with the “hippie-white girl” look. Finally, top it all off with a chocker and a pair of thrashed-beyond-repair shoes.

If you’ve followed these simple steps correctly, you should be ready to embrace the emo inside you. Go protect the world from stupid normies, and spread your edgy lifestyle to others.

DISCLAIMER: This is a satire of the emo subculture, and I don’t mean to offend anyone. Also, I’m not emo, I swear. I’m just real good at pretending to be. Wait, give me a second- GET OUT OF MY ROOM MOM THIS ISN’T A PHASE THIS IS WHO I AM WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND ME???!!1!1!1??!

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