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How to be an Intellectual

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How to be an Intellectual

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DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical article making fun of those arrogant idiots who categorize themselves as “intellectuals.” Take it with a pinch of salt. Also, while writing this, I learned Thesaurus abuse really gives off that pretentious dirt-bag vibe big time.

Being an intellectual with an IQ of 857, I find it only appropriate but to share with you degenerates how you too can attain my excessive levels of intellect. Don’t believe me? Well, I’ll have you know I’ve watched at least 4 1/2 episodes of Rick and Morty. I even contemplated reading a book once. Yes, yes, hold your applause. Don’t fret, as you too can experience the serendipity of high intelligence by utilizing these simple instructions. Alas, your small minds might not be able comprehend the complexity of my extensive directives. Try to keep up, normie.

STEP 1: Demeanor

You are an intellectual, which means you’re intriguing and astute, while everyone else is a degenerate. If you overhear a degenerate claim 2+2=4, make sure to do your duty and inform them they’re wrong. You raise your hand at least 5 times per class. Don’t forget to inquire your 8th grade science teacher, on the first day of school, if you’ll be studying quantum mechanics. When he assures you that you won’t be, go on a long-winded tirade about how the class should be discussing something sophisticated, like string theory. Everybody rolls their eyes at you, but they’re just a bunch of sheep who could never grasp the information that you can. You know you’re better than everyone else, so you might as well act like it.

STEP 2: Social Life

Friends? Who needs friends when you’re as perceptive as you are? Other people are vapid in comparison to your incredible wit. Your classmates dislike you because they’re jealous of you and your unmatched brilliance, and totally not because you’re a condescending, pretentious, and pompous ass. It’s a shame you have to interact with such monotonous idiots. People gape in awe at your astounding vocabulary. Thesaurus is the only companion you need. Girlfriends are overrated anyways. All the girls you meet are of average intelligence. All they want is an attractive jock, rather than your capable brain. Their personalities are mundane and uninspiring. AP calculus and astrophysics are your true soulmates.

STEP 3: Media

So, what kind of music, movies, TV shoes, and books would an intellectual like you devote their precious time to? As for music, you find the works of composers such as Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky, and Chopin simply divine and entrancing. You don’t watch orthodox or customary pictures—no. You only watch foreign films and documentaries. You relish in the complexity of shows such as Rick and Morty, though it pains you to see all those normies pretend to fathom its intricate humor. You read only philosophy and physics textbooks, as fiction is too childish for your mature apatite.

STEP 4: Hobbies

Someone as astoundingly intelligent as you are needs as equally stimulating activities to keep them entertained. What about sports? Christ, no. You’re not an ignorant, half-witted jock. You join chess club and quickly become known as the next Bobby Fischer, because you’re just that evolved. You get involved in speech and debate and, to no one’s surprise, single-handedly bring your school’s team to the national championship. You study college level maths on you’re own to ensure things still stay slightly challenging, because school is just too simplistic as it is. You learn how to write a few letters in binary code, and then go off to boast about your advanced programming and coding skills. Pfft, you don’t even break a sweat. It’s no big deal.

Finally, after following these directions to a T, you have achieved becoming a fully-fledged and proper intellectual. Though, you still feel an underlying fear of self-doubt and insecurity as you realize you’re holding up this façade and need to brag about how smart you are to make you feel good about yourself… but that’s the one thing us intellectuals don’t think about that. Now that you’re no longer a sheep, go on and spread your abilities and annoy the rest of the world.

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