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A Loser’s Guide to Being Cool

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I am not popular. I’m basically the exact opposite. But I know cool kids well enough to write this article. But after writing it, I realized how terrible it must be to be cool. You have nothing to show for yourself except your friends. So don’t be cool. Note this list is based off trends the “cool” kids follow. It is simply a hyperbolic list and not meant to be taken seriously. Please don’t take this seriously.

Number One: Be hot! This one is a no-brainer, good looks mean cool. As long as you have perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect body, you don’t even need to try! Now there are some exceptions, just being hot doesn’t make you top dog. There are other things you need to do. But if you have the looks, make sure to dress for it. Oh wait, I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Number Two: Don’t follow dress code! This one is more for you girls out there. But all the cool kids do it, and so should you! You don’t even need to be good looking, revealing clothes is the most “hip” and relevant thing I can think of. Yoga pants and a sleeveless shirt are the best combo for you females. Boys are basically the opposite. Wear jeans and a jacket. Make sure to roll up those sleeves though! But there’s one other thing. I’d be doing you a disservice if I at least didn’t mention the dreaded, Adidas high tops (make sure they’re in white). These things are the most ridiculous, HORRIBLE looking shoes. How do you even keep them clean?

Number Three: Be a moron! Most stupid kids are cool, and most cool kids are stupid. You might be saying, “But I’m in honors! What do I do?” Well, you can still be dumb in honors, no offense. (I’ll be writing about this later.) So, just don’t be smart. As always, there are exceptions. Some “cool kids” are actually really smart, and I like to see that sometimes. But being stupid gives you a huge advantage.

Number Four: Be a terrible person! If you’re popular, you probably got there by being a terrible human being. So, how do you be a terrible person? Here are some examples. First, be rude to your teachers, and always think you’re right (no matter how wrong you are). You will be powerful. Second, spread the most ridiculous rumors about anything you can think of. Your popularity will make everything you say spread like wildfire!

Number Five: Be relevant! Now this is the most important thing to do. If you are up to date on all your trends, you’re guaranteed to be of godly status. Carry around all the cool new gadgets big companies think up, and always use them. Fidget spinners are quite obvious, and more useful for males. Watch them spin as you climb up the ranks of popularity. Girls need slime, and only one or two jars. Make slime, play with slime, keep it with you in your sleep. Another thing you need is both a Snapchat and Instagram account. Let your fellow mindless drones follow you, and watch your popularity explode!

Exceptions: I already brought this up a few times, but why not dedicate a whole section to it. You can do some of these things and be very smart, or dress strange but still be an extremely kind person. Most cool kids fit all these categories, but others fit none. Now this is a very select few, but one of them is my only popular friend. I usually think cool kids don’t even deserve my attention. But some make good friends and give me a new view on this school and other things.

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A Loser’s Guide to Being Cool